Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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