I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
