I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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