Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
