dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
