I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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