Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize