my phone needs a breathalizer
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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