The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
