Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
