My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
where are you?
Hypothermia
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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