i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
