so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
