Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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