I need to stop coming to work sober
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
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