wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
