i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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