He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
