I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
