need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
