Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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