my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
