Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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