My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
