My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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