then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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