I think my fart just growled at me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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