Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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