im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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