you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
