The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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