Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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