Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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