we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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