I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
