and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
