the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
