I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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