My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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