It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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