i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
