i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
