Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Come share oat with me in your robe
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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