i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
