I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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