The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
