is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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