I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Everything about him screamed your future.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
its liver damage thursday
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
