i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
