Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
