And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
