This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
