i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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