Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
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