Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
