Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
