I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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