First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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