here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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