My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
