well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
