What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I deserve this hangover.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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