He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize