Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
