Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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