Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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