Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize