gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize